Happy 4th of July everyone. The day that American’s join together and share their joint sadness in their decision to break away from the mighty British Empire! (or something like that). Continue reading
When one thinks of an American Hero, many names come to mind; Evel Kneivel, John Wayne, Ronald Reagan, George Clooney, George Washington Carver, Peter Griffin, Tiger Woods, O.J Simpson, Al Capone, Madonna and Richard Nixon to name a few, however nobody quite embodies the term American Hero like Kenny ‘Fucking’ Powers.
I know what you are thinking, ‘is Kenny Powers America’s greatest ever hero?’ so here me out, has anybody ever embodied the morals and feelings of the everyday American citizen quite like Kenny Powers has? The answer in my opinion is hell no!
I am now going to continue by explaining why Kenny Powers is the greatest American Hero by talking about his life story, so in case you haven’t seen Eastbound and Down (the Kenny Powers biography) there will be spoilers included here.
How many bums from Shelby, North Carolina make anything of their lives? Exactly, none; except for one exception Kenny ‘Fucking’ Powers. From humble beginnings, a young Kenny Powers developed the lightning hot arm that would make the world of baseball stand up and take notice of the greatest pitching talent since Walter Johnson.
Kenny Powers started his MLB career at the Atlanta Braves and was too hot to handle for some diddy team in Hicksville, so moved to the Big Apple to play for the Yankees. Sadly the Yankees were too short sighted to know that they had baseball royalty on their books and for some reason shipped Kenny Powers out west to the San Francisco Giants. Kenny Powers decided that he couldn’t be bothered with this different time zones shit so got traded back on to the good-ol East coast to play for the Boston Red Sox, however what Kenny Powers didn’t realise was that Boston was full of Irish dandies so opted for a move back west to the Seattle Mariners. However it was at this time that Kenny Powers became disenfranchised with the game of baseball; because after all how many times can you keep taking the league by storm and be much better than everyone else around you? So Kenny Powers decided enough was enough and retired from the game that he had dominated since his inception.
Kenny Powers decided that now was the time to get back to his roots and give back to his hometown community, by heading back to that bum hole of a town Shelby. First off Kenny Powers got back in tow with his brother Dustin, who had been having problems living up against his famous brother and this had hampered him sexually. After sorting Dustin’s life out and putting a smile back on Cassie’s face (Dustin’s wife), Kenny got back to getting in touch with his old hick friends as well as offering his services to a local middle school so as to get those fat fucks in some shape.
Any regular person on their first day of teaching would hide away and do their best to not stick out, but not Kenny ‘Fucking’ Powers; he took the bull by the scrotum and showed it who the boss is. Then came Kenny Power’s Everest’s, the big juicy, large chested, great fuck that is April Buchanan. Most women can’t contain themselves when Kenny Powers is in the room, let alone making a pass at them; however April Buchanan had some sort of Kenny Powers blocker, plus she was engaged to some weanie.
After conquering teaching only a week in to the job, Kenny Powers decided that now was the time for Kenny Powers to make his triumphant and long awaited return to baseball! He recruited some loser called Stevie to run the administration shit that Kenny Powers was too busy to do because he is a fucking baseball player and is above that shit, before defeating his arch-rival Reg Mackworthy with a lightning pitch that took that dickfaces’ eye out and his annoying bitch of a friend Ashley Schaeffer. Kenny Powers was almost back to continuing the greatest baseball career ever, the only thing he had to do was get it on with April Buchanan once again; she naturally obliged and Kenny Powers was officially back!
The offers came flooding in, and Kenny Powers thought ‘fuck all of those offers, I’m going to fucking Tampa!’, however Kenny Powers was betrayed by the fuckwit Pat Anderson and had to flee to Mexico to get away from the haters who thought he would never get back to the top of the game.
Kenny Powers then continued his life in Mexico by becoming Steve the cock-fighter, and in doing so became the greatest fucking cock-fighter Mexico has ever seen (if people don’t know Mexico is the height of cock-fighting) with his rooster Big Red. However once again Kenny Powers was betrayed by his partners Aaron and the bastard Hector (who had it out for Kenny Powers since the beginning).
After deciding that he couldn’t progress his cock-fighting career any further and having satisfiably sampled the local poontang, Kenny Powers decided to show the whole of smelly Mexico the American Hero they had in their midst, joining the piss poor local baseball team the Charros and becoming their star player.
Once again however Kenny Powers was betrayed by the owner of the Charros as he stole his girlfriend and pleasured her sexually with his mouth. Kenny Powers gained his revenge by stealing his car and quitting the team, before going off to find his long lost father (whom Stevie had found earlier) so as to tell him what a big baseball player he had become. Kenny Powers found his father and reunited with him and his newfound brother Casper, before again being betrayed because people in Mexico are sneaky and like to betray people for Pesos and donkeys.
Kenny Powers escaped the prison and went back to the Charros to play one last game in front of a scout from the Texas Rangers who was desperate to get him back in the big leagues. Kenny Powers took the Charros to the win with his excellent pitching and by reminding his teammates that ‘there is no I in team, but there is a U in cunt’. With that, Texas couldn’t help but offer Kenny Powers a lucrative contract and ask if he had a spare pair of undies because their undies were covered in jizz because Kenny Powers was just too good for them to contain their jizz that they had created in their pants from watching him play; however he would have to start out at their minor league team before inevitably being promoted.
Kenny Powers had conquered Mexico, much like he had conquered baseball, and decided to head home to Shelby to show all the haters that you can’t put Kenny ‘Fucking’ Powers down. In returning to Shelby Kenny Powers received the shockingly awful news that April Buchanan was pregnant, which most likely happened because they don’t make condoms to fit cocks the size of Burmese pythons and she wasn’t on the pill. Nonetheless that powerful Kenny Powers semen had impregnated another willing female.
So Kenny Powers was back in the minors and destroying every batter he came up against whilst playing for the Mertle Beach Mermen. Kenny Powers was once again the star player in the league and the team, and it was only a matter of time before he got called up to the majors once again. However everything was derailed when April came and dumped Kenny Powers’ stupid baby Toby on him before disappearing.
Kenny Powers had conquered many things, but becoming a father was going to be his hardest task yet, because Toby was a little dick and would always cry and shit and ruin Kenny Powers’ fun. Never a man to lay down to any challenge, Kenny Powers’ once again enlisted the help of his assistant Stevie to help look after stupid Toby as Kenny Powers rejuvenated his baseball career. However Toby put a curse on Kenny and it hampered his game.
If things couldn’t get any worse, the Mermen then signed some douchebag Russian pitcher, who had a really bad haircut (nothing like Kenny Powers’ cool mullet) and an average pitch, but the coach of the Mermen had it out for Kenny Powers so benched him in favour of Ivan Dochenko the smelly Russian.
Once again there were many doubters, and it was made worse by the death of Kenny Powers’ best friend Shane Gerald, from a drug overdosed heart attack which Kenny Powers was in no way connected to. Those were some rough months for Kenny Powers, in which he also reconnected with his father Eduardo Sanchez Powers, his mother Tammy Powers and his half-brother Casper. Those were dark days for Kenny Powers indeed, however like the true American Hero he is he came out of those dark times a better man and did to Ivan the Russian what FDR should have done to Stalin all those years ago by butt fucking him all over the mound and showing him how a real man pitches.
Naturally Kenny Powers’ immense pitching in the big game impressed the Texas scouts so much that they paid someone to run over their closing pitcher to open a space for Kenny Powers on the team, and with that Kenny Powers was back in the majors. Just as this was happening, April re-appeared and stole Toby off of Kenny Powers, just as they had begun to bond, in an attempt to make him pine for home and give up his chance in the majors; however Kenny Powers wasn’t tricked and went anyway.
There it was the big play-off game, Kenny Powers was called on to take the mound and show the world what they had been missing. Strike. Strike. Then Kenny Powers thought to himself ‘fuck this, I’m Kenny ‘Fucking’ Powers, I don’t need this shit’ and walked off the mound. The world was shocked at the bravery that Kenny Powers had shown because we all know baseball sucks and is beneath Kenny Powers.
Kenny Powers then faked his own death because he knew that the media would never leave him and April alone if he didn’t do it. Of course Kenny Powers aced pretending to kill himself and as the master of disguise he then changed his identity totally and became a new man. The end……..of the Kenny Powers story, not the show or his life.
There it is, the reasons that Kenny Powers is the greatest ever American Hero! He hit the heights and lived the American dream as a star baseball player; he conquered Mexico and became not only the greatest cock-fighter they have ever seen, but also the greatest baseball player they have ever seen. Kenny Powers then continued his success by showing that he was too good for the minors and quickly being called up to the majors before saying that he was too good for the majors and having the cajones to walk out on them and start a new life with a new identity so that he could become the world’s greatest father without media persecution. How many other people could have come through the adversity and betrayals Kenny Powers suffered? Not many, in fact almost none.
Yes one day I hope to live in an America that honours this great man with his own public holiday. It shall be called Kenny ‘Fucking’ Powers Day, and it will be a day of great celebration and a day that we will all be able to walk about and shout ‘You’re fucking out!’
Kenny Powers, the embodiment of an American Hero.
Leave a comment about America’s Gandhi, Kenny Powers. Tell me what your favourite part of Kenny Powers incredible life story is, or alternatively tell me about how he is the one guy that you may go gay for if given the opportunity. All comments are welcome.